This is What I Thought ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- why It seems fitting that I'd update after so long, with, what else, depressing rantings. naturally, why would I write when I'm happy, which I was for a long while actually.. Anyways I know that I've fucked up something big.. I know I've very much comprimised friendships with two people I actually care about in this town. I know I ruined something possibly special. why did this all happen.. I've been wondering that. I mean I know the direct cause, but I don't know the cause of that. it's all because of a kiss, which to me is fairly harmless and meaningless, however it's not when looked from the other side. I see what my selfish actions have done. would I classify anything I've done as cheating, no I wouldn't. but I certainly was selfish about the attention. I enjoyed the attention, I enjoyed someone being happy around me. and now looking back what was it worth? nothing. it was worth absolutly nothing. I ruined two friendships for something that is completly useless/pointless/and not as significant as I valued those friendships. I'm an asshole, that's all I can think now. I've ruined something. I knew eventually I would, it's typical of me. I don't mean to, but I always end up fucking everything up with people close to me. not only did I really fuck things up, but I did it to a person who deserves the absolute best in a person, someone who deserves nothing less than constant devotion and admiration. She's one of the sweetest, kindest, most innocent person I've ever met.. and I ended up treating her like shit. I know I can never be good enough for her, I know from my relationship with A. that I could never be good enough for someone like her. I can't make someone deal with me. Which is why I wanted to get away from everything initially.. I think that was understood, and accepted.. but then I don't know. A kiss on the cheek, as innocent as intentions may be, sends the wrong message.. I really don't want to live with myself right now. I know there's nothing I can say or do that will fix any feelings I've fucked over. I know that.. which hurts, it hurts a lot. but not nearly as much as she does I know. I just really hate myself now. I thought maybe writing would get some of that out, but it doesn't, so I'll just go drink. HA! that seems to solve all of my problems. 9:25 a.m. - Sunday, Jan. 14, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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